An insecure person can be dangerous.

He's afraid, terrified and lost.

He doesn't know what he wants, nor where he wants to go.

Such thoughts are enfeebling his mind, body and soul.

These past few weeks, I can't really see myself anymore. Things I thought I used to know, people that I used to be with, they all seem so far away. I always thought I could hang on, I could keep hanging on that fine thin thread. But what if it wasn't thin at all? Nor was it a thread?

What if it was only a mist, an imaginary thread?

I think it is dangerous that I'm distancing myself from people. Perhaps I'm leaning more towards the introvert side of myself. Shut myself from the outside world. Trust none. Total shutdown. Aucune aide du tout?

Some people asked me do I trust them?

To be honest, I couldn't bring out that simple 'yes'. Deep inside I don't want to lie, and yet I do not wish to say it out loud. I don't trust anyone. The saddest part is, I don't even trust myself. I'm in doubts at the moment.

It is like the raindrops pouring downon a dark and cloudy night. Thunderstorm hails, quite tropical like in fact. I think that I would be best for me to rely on my human instinct for now. Just for now~ 

Retreat, recoup, and what next?

I seriously don't know. 

Time like this feels like hanging on to the southern wind. Where ever it decides to blow, I'll follow.

I hate the insecurity in me. I hate that I'm doubting myself. 

But most of all, I hate that I'm doubting everyone.

To those who are indirectly or directly affected by my tantrum, I'm not gonna apologize. I have apologize to much so if you can't stand this, please just go away.

2011年9月30日

今晚，是一个有趣的夜晚！遇到很多人。

一起喝酒，一起玩游戏。

玩黑白色，是很好玩的发挥。

但是，当太阳升起，我会看不到你了。

像做梦一样，扑而去。

但是我会说，再见，祝你好运！

我很高兴我遇见了你这样的朋友。 =）

Can't seem to shake this question off , ever. (For now)

I wrote something long, but I decided not to publish it and delete it instead. Its sensitive and I probably shouldn't write it at all. But it does irk me a lot.

But if I do publish it, I might as well join the rank of hypocrites walking on this earth.

Gawd I miss the days where I was not subjected to this feeling.

Skinny Roomiez~

Skinny Love

I told you to be patient

I told you to be fine

I told you to be balanced

I told you to be kind

Now all your love is wasted?

Then who the hell was I?

Now I'm breaking at the britches

And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?

Who will fight?

Who will fall far behind?

I Can't Make You Love Me

'Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holdin me
Mornin will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.'

Time to go back to university. My Ipod screen is broken due to some blond girl knocking it out from my hand during Avril's Concert. Its sad but I ain't feeling it yet cause the concert was so freaking awesome! 

Time to start studying and listen to songs in my room. =D I've decorated it well and it smells nice ^^.

I'll leave all my problems and worries behind me and I'll just look and work hard for the future.

The present is where you are now but the future is where you will be, It doesn't matter now, just work hard for the future.

Why?

'So why~ hy~ hy~ hy~ hy~ hy~ hy~

Just a small amount of happiness =). '

Life has been a bit topsy-turvy lately. Things happens, shit happens. I thought it would only occur next year, but somehow 'it' managed to creep itself earlier. I felt that it is a bit odd (strange nevertheless) , but I won't question why, or be sad about it nor would I go back on my word.

I was in it ready to let it go, in order to safeguard 'it'. So if I was not being taken seriously, I might as well focus on other stuffs and steer my life into a different direction, one that (hopefully) would compensate the past 21 years of my life.

Yet again, planning is a waste of time.

Freshers week is going on. I don't really feel like hoarding a lot of free Dominos coupons anymore. I'm still sick of that one week craze of double thin crust with cheese, or whatever it was called crust. Eurgh >.<

And the clubbing scene still feels like a stranger to me.

I still like to sit at the side and watch other people dance instead of me, myself dancing.
I still dislike drinking excessive amount of alcohol. (Of course unless its a 'toast' for the birthday girl/boy'.
But I do like the music played there,
However, I think it is best enjoyed with the scene, observing.
Its funny to see how carefree and crazy people can be in the clubs.

這一幕，我很快就會錯過它。

PS: I need to write more in English. I have noticed that my Malaysian-English and Chinese-English is slowly overpowering my writing! Argh!

一天

每天要小心一点，
不知道什么时候会下雨，
不知道什么时候将有大的风，
不知道什么时候我会笑还是会哭，
情感，坚强和混乱。
一个人的寂寞，有强心，
但可能不会持续太久。
只是在等待，
等待那一天。

Memories....

'No matter how much I wish to return, I never move from this spot

When I close my eyes, you are always there smiling

Every time I remember that smile, tears flow from my eyes

I am not strong enough to say good-bye to the past and move on

Yet those memories are not flimsy enough to get carried away by the waves of time

That's why I've always...

I'll never forget, wherever I am

Whatever I do I'll always think of you

Even if I lose sight of the road I already traveled

Even if I cannot return to those days, The footprints on the ground will always be there

I will always wish that the day will come where we will meet

And laugh with each other....'

21 years in this world. I wonder, what have I gotten myself into and what have I achieved? It has been a roller coaster ride this past 9 years, from my life changing enrollment into an elite high school, going to college and finally to enrolled in a university in the UK [top 30 in the world nevertheless]. I wonder, if I had make a different decision back then, not following you ;) , how different would my life have been?


Working life isn't so bad at all. Thanks to Kumari, Martha, Muja, and all YSD Staffs (Farib , whom I always love to disturb, Che Din who sits next to me :p, Intan who entertains me whenever I stopped by the Education Sponsorship Team cubicles, Zerizan and Ismail and the list goes on and on =)). You guys make me feel that working can be enjoyable!


Religion aside, turning for a church raised Christian, into learning about other religion, becoming and Elder and holding the Melchizedek Priesthood, an Elder, to enter the temple and perform baptism for the dead and then finally into an Agnostic Atheist while searching for my own truth, its been a while and still a long journey ahead.


People have list of things they want to do before they are 30, 40 or even 21, cause 21 marks the age when you are actually being recognise as an adult. I never gave a thought of that list but as this night draws closer to an end, I gave it a thought.... 'Have I done everything I wanted to before I'm 21?'.


The answer is YES.


I shall live a life with no regrets. =) No worries, just living life to the fullest. It hurt me that some memories are bitter sweet, with the bitter part overwhelming that little drop of sweetness, but I'm still happy for it.


I thank thee because it happened, and I was there to experience it. =)


I laugh at those silly versions of me in the past,


That is because I have grown and learnt to see the 'silly-ness' of my former self.


^^ But life needs to be a little silly, don't you think?

Cheers, to the years ahead of me!