When plans goes awry, and things doesn't work the way I want it to be, day after day, month after month and year after year.... you'll feel that the fire within you is burning less bright. Dimmer and dimmer.
If you expect something and you fail to get it, you will be dissapointed. If you aim too high and you almost got there, but you're still inches from reaching it, its still far away. You didn't make it, period.
I guess because of this continuous trend I had, I gave up on expecting. I tried to live in the moment instead of planning for the future. I told myself, if I want to do something, I should go and do it. If I want to say something, I should say it. There isn't a right moment. Just moments.
However, years slugging at work and studying had made me blunt. I'm still living the random life I told myself I will do, but my circle and area grew smaller and smaller by the day. My comfort zone if you may say it.
I fell for the easy things, the things that could easily fit in my schedule. Assessable places and time, those were my selection criteria.
Today was a wake up call to me. The trip that I tried to avoid, to return to my alma matter, to embrace my past that I've been running away from.
I always headed north, never south, for obvius reason. Too many heartaches, too many sad memories in the past. Today I add another one to the list.
However what prompted me to come were actually happy memories. Memories I had as a kid 13 years ago with my sensei. I recall her patience voice when she taught hiragana and katakana to us from form 1 to form 3. The songs we sang from Doraemon no uta, Sakura Sakura , Mirae and Nada Sou Sou.
I recall the greedy me when I wanted both best student award and the classroom price. Sensei told me I could only choose one as she wanted to be fair. But she ended up giving me both. The kodansha dictionary that she gave me is something I treasure most back in my teenage years, but was left in the shelf as time goes by.
I'm glad I came to say goodbye, I'm glad I came to say my thanks.
You will be missed Aoki Mikiko Sensei...
'I whispered "Thank you" as I turn the pages of this old photo album,
Always, always in my heart, there's a person who encourages me,
On any days, whether the sky is clear or if its raining, that same old smile emerges on your face,
Even when my memories of you fade away, I would search through my mind again,
And on days when you come back to life in my memories, my tears will flow endlessly'.
