'Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You
change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts.
Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn.
Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has
nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is
give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so
the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step.'
-Kafka on the Shore-
Someone once told me that time wil heal me, that I will learn to love again. Thing is, after 3 years, I'm starting to doubt if I can indeed love again.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still attracted to people. I have a few crush on my list at the moment, some near and some pretty far away. But then, I rather have them as partners, to spend the time with, no strings attached.
I want to have dinners, go watch a play or a movie. Go on an adventurous trip, walk down the beach or just be plain silly and fool around. Cuddle on the couch, or some sort like that.
I want a person that when she smiles, my entire world smiles with her. I want a genuine smile, not the sad smile that I put on these days.
I want to hear laughters again. Laughters that can drown my entire world. Keep me aside for a moment and rocket me to cloud nine once again.
I want.......
But it ain't feasible. For one, I still have restrain that I'm putting on myself.
First off, to deserve someone as 'perfect' , I have to be no less than 'perfect' myself, or whats close to it. I need to get rid of my defects, my scars of what is deem imperfection.
This of course means financial, physically and educationally.
我需要房子，车子和事业。
This of course, put my trajectory eligibility age to at least 27. ICAEW is going to take another 3 (Est 26] years at the very least, then CFA [3 years, Est 29]. Then maybe if I'm still up for it I'm going to do Masters [1-2 years, Est 31]. Woots, I'm going to be 31 before I know it! That is provided I do not take any break from studying!
Working life as it is, is pretty lifeless during the week. Take weekends away from me [for studying] and there you have the famous saying;
'Where got time...?' [Insert ah beng tone].
I do not have time for commitment to another party. I, however, do have the time to indulge in life's little pleasures.
So what is it with this post? To be honest, I haven't the slightest clue myself.
Maybe time will tell, maybe time will forget. But one thing definitely, my perception is getting weirder by the day.
