"I miss you I miss your smile And I still shead a tear Every once in a while And even though it's different now You're still here somehow My heart won't let you go And I need you to know I miss you, sha la la la la I miss you"
Miley Cyrus - I Miss You
Ashlee Simpson - Pieces Of Me
2004, how childish was I back then =']
"i did it on purpose, i want u 2 hate me. sometimes u r juz being too nice that u cant differentiate whether sum1 s being evil 2 u or not."
Its funny how I still kept this email. Sigh, actually to think about it, its not funny at all. I kept it because I want to remember, to never forget every single detail of it. But there's this little thorn inside of me, a hint of regret.
"how can i say diz str8?
im not putting d blame on any1,
i admit, its no one's fault, it juz went off lyk dat n i didnt expect it."
I sometimes laugh at myself. Sometimes in life, the easiest escape is to run. When you have too much pressure, when you don't know what to do, the easiest option is to cut loose. Free yourself from all problems, start a new, never looking back or think about it, ever again.
Easier said than done.
"but talk is cheap, aite? guess i cant do anything bout it anymore, hahaha..."
Those 'hahaha'. must be a hard one to type. The one that eases and numbs the pain. Reminds me of the lyrics from Halfway Gone by Lifehouse ; "Talk , talk is cheap. Give me a word you can keep~"
Sometimes I don't really know what I want. I was lonely and now I have company. But I am still unsatisfied and I still feel lonely. What is missing in my life? I have friends, family, work colleagues, a partner, and a future plan. What exactly is missing?
I think that somehow I know what it is, but yet again I'm a cowardly fool. I am afraid to face my past, of the wrong decisions that I've made. But day after day I still ponder of the question, what if.
So the question is : What should I do if I feel regretful about my past?
I've tried shutting it away, keeping myself preoccupied but it only works well when I am busy. Every night before I sleep, besides thinking of my loved ones, YOU appear to me, haunting me.
"Remember when I cried to you a thousand times
I told you everything
You know my feelings
It never crossed my mind
That there would be a time
For us to say goodbye
What a big surprise
But I’m not lost
I’m not gone
I haven’t forgot
These feelings I can’t shake no more
These feelings are running out the door
I can feel it falling down
And I’m not coming back around
These feelings I can’t take no more
This emptiness in the bottom drawer
It’s getting harder to pretend
And I’m not coming back around again
Remember when…"
Avril Lavigne - Remember When
I'll remember our 'tryst'. I miss you dearly. I've move on to try to love another now. But know always you'll be my first and I loved you so.
=]
Now I know why the first cut is the deepest.
Here's an extract of an article I've found online.
"Yet, in truth, no one forgets their first love. How could they? It's just not possible to forget that tingling sensation you feel when you fall in love for the very first time.
Your first love brings up emotions that you may never have felt before - wild and passionate and almost startling in their intensity, almost a pure version of strong emotions that, later on in life, experience teaches you to dilute."
With each passing one, I'm having less expectations. I no longer care about that giggly feeling I felt when I was waiting, nor the anxiety that paced me up when I was on the other line. No more 'You hang up first , I did it the last time we talked', nor texting every single other minute and gigling to myself.
No longer do I care if we were miles a part, your evil and un-romatic side, you being possessive or materialistic, or even you being a total bitch. To be honest, all my 'ban' list are now withdrawn. I just don't care now. As long as you are sincere to me, that is all I'll ever ask for. Not your time, your attention, nor will I don you with things you wouldn't prefer, or bug you excessively to do this and that.
That long long list that I've often wish to find in my perfect partner, has only one item on it right now.
Really didn't meant this post to be that emo. It started with a song and just carry on like that.
Last bit :
"not very likely to happen to you. 2 of us can lock ourselves in our respective room lor."
To be honest, I really don't mind locking myself in my room while I do my work =P.
"First loves are wonderful. They are perfect just as they are. In the past."
I've thought for a long time, memories are just memories. I loved the past you, and I'm not even sure how you are right now. So I won't spoil my memories by rekindling the flame with you again, no matter how much I want to give it a go again.
However so, you still look cute. AND YOU ARE NOT FAT! =D
Sometimes 'harmless' questions can hurt people in a way that you couldn't imagine. It might be the mood swings, or perhaps they just perceive it on a different level than you do
To one, its a mean of getting by, catching up.To another, it is the past that they wish to kept hidden, buried.
Funny how this never occur to me, perhaps it has never occur to the other party as well when I was at the receiving end. At this moment, we will put up a fake smile, act tough and go on with life.
I find these 'lies' to often now, I don't think I want to care about it any more. If you have something to say, you should say it or forever hold your tongue.
People aren't mind readers I can tell you that.
Whatever that is worth, maybe its a slight payback. Its too early to say but getting disappointed on your birthday, now that is a $%^&*.
Karma's a bitch, and we learn to live with it.
On another note, yet another 'O'. Let see how this turns out =)
PS: Izzie, a memory of the past, I guess you will always be just that. Sometimes I hate the Virgo in me. Can't I just learn from my mistakes and let go of the 'perfectionist' in me?
My First, my past, how awkward to be still thinking of it. Maybe Virgos do think of the mistake they did in the past. Probing holes, hope this one can fill in the holes.
November has been swell, first term is almost at its end! Weee~
Though it also mean coursework submission is drawing closer and closer.. Pfft! >.<
Well, what can I say? Dramas and Movies, you have to go aside. Ice cream, pringles and soda. You're all welcome aboard while I read up journals and write horrendously!
I will smile everyday cause I won't know when it will be my last, and I let the past taunts me.
Rotten time table is a bitch. And my body is still in 'Reading Week'. Which is NOT good at all. Its 4 hours to my 5 hour lecture now. And I woke up at 8pm. =/. Had a headache yesterday and ended up not going for lectures.
I still read the slides though, seems that i've didn't miss much. (Although I am sure those who actually went will be dazzled by the lecturer). Binomial Tree and Black Scholes tend to have that effect on most people =].
What am I doing now? Can't Maple, connection sucks at my place. Seems like the only place I can play is at Grosvenor Street Area.
Called Dad this morning (Malaysia time). Wished him Happy Birthday. Its nice to have it this year, 11.11.11. =P
Rain hates that number, well the addition of it '6'.
By the way the answer to this question is 14 right? O_O Why people keep giving 0?
Drats. I should do some IQ test soon. I feel like my speed in recognising pattern and thinking has been getting slightly slower.
And I wonder did Fan Ting did come to Manchester last weekend? Should give her a ring, miss the bugger. Why o why do you have to do placement year?!
=P Windy [Zephyrus] signing off. <--- now this looks gay.
PS: IH You should stop being sad, insecure, and grumpy. People around you love you, so be happy and don't bother about those rotten people, even if you have once cared and loved them. Be happy when they are, but don't let their negative emotion affect you. You're just bringing trouble yourself for worrying. [Though I doubt you will read this anyway, but still.... =D]
PPS: .(^-^). Huggies for my love. ; ], so sorry I've been busy!
I don't want tags, for those who are just in for the sake of 'it'. I want something that is pure and consistent, that we don't need a tag to remind us of what we meant to each other. Buddies, Pals, Besties, GF/BF , BBF whatnot.
Say it with me,
Say ha ha ha~
Say it with me,
Say la la la~
Say it with me, say it with me,
Cause I just want you to know.
Here and now, there and then,
These little thoughts, is creeping in my head,
These little sounds, of what could have been,
Are turning to what it could be...
Say it with me,
Say ha ha ha~
Say it with me,
Say la la la~
Say it with me, say it with me,
Cause I just want you to know.
Come a little closer baby,
These last few days has been a little crazy,
I upside down and all around,
I think I'm falling down.
Say it with me,
Say ha ha ha~
Say it with me,
Say la la la~
Say it with me, say it with me,
Cause I just want you to know.
Inside out, up and down,
I'm jumping around, flinging all around,
You're not in my sight, but does it matters,
Cause as long as you know I'm fine~
Say it with me,
Say ha ha ha~
Say it with me,
Say la la la~
Say it with me, say it with me,
Cause I just want you to know.
Love the giggles when you wake up from a funny dream, or that fast pacing moments when something from your Book of Terror chases you.
But what if you woke up with a contended smile and a heavy sigh?
This was just that particular dream.
I was with this girl. She seems resemble someone from my past *Name will henceforth be H, as I know that person hates me by now*. She was blind and we were dating each other. Ignoring her disability, I continue to shower her with care and it was bliss.
Till..
We were going to the cinema to watch a movie and I bump into a group of friends. Friends I rarely talk to but could we could all rely on each other since we share a common history *ehem, KYS*. And I began to talk to this guy, A. To be honest, this guy got kicked out from KYS back then and at first I find him kind of snoobish, but when I was 'rising', he began to mingle around with me. [I guess back then, jocks mingle with you once you turn semi-jock.].
Back to the story...
We talked and talked. It's been years since we have last seen each other and somehow in the mist of that, I forgot about H. When I remember and say goodbye to A and went to look for H. She was sitting down, facing a huge green teddy bear. [Don't ask me why it was green. Maybe it was because both our favourite colour were green]. She was talking to it, telling IT her secrets and her hopes, crying in between.
I felt bad, terribly bad.
She was still there, waiting for someone that had abandoned her.
How could I have left her? Forgotten about her to talk to some acquaintance of mine?
I went towards her and she looked at me. Staring back at me was that angry stare of her's, normally accompanied with a silent hmpffff. I said nothing and hug her closely, bringing her small little head towards my chest.
And that is when I woke up.
Which had me saying, 'H, I'm sorry for that one time I let you down.'
I cried a while and I wonder. Is this my subconscious mind telling me what I have known all this while? Don't be Mr. Nice Guy and be friendly and helpful to everybody, cause that one person won't feel special at all. And whilst you are out there helping others, she is back there all alone, snuggling that one little thing you bought for her.
I remember how she cherish that promise ring that wasn't worth much. And I remember how we would travel distance just to meet up with each other. And then I recall the times where she would calmly scold me for sending her gifts from halfway across the globe, while secretly smiling when she read the notes and cards I sent her.
'This dream had reminded me on how precious things are to me. And how ignorant I have been of them. They should not be treated equally and Adrian, you have to learn how to differentiate these needs.'
I'm still waiting for that one day where I can sit and enjoy the sunset with the person I love.
Sunrise was a bitch but we had fun = ]
PS: I am surprise that the blind girl resembles H. It was so long ago but I guess that was one of my biggest regret. It wasn't a mistake but I wish it could have ended somewhat happier.
2 Episodes down and I'm still not done watching Single Father ='[. Its so sad and heartbreaking that I don't really feel like watching it.
It makes me cry every single time ='[
Anyway, this is gonna be a random post.
Part 2
Remember the time when we get kisses? (Hersheys?)
Sweet innocent moments that goes like this;
Boy: I'm gonna give you 10 kisses!
Girl: I'm gonna give you 20 kisses!
Boy: Then, I'll give you 30 kisses!
Teacher: You guys are two young to be kissing.
Girl and Boy both turn and look at their Teacher.
Boy: We're talking about Hershey kisses Ma'am. We are both chocolate addicts.
=____=
Part 3
*typo in the picture, risk not rish, but its the underlying message that counts*
I miss being a teen, in high school where everything is simple.
Part 4
Sentimental, Honest, Patient, Insecure
I'm really that huh? =S
Part 5
Seriously, I have to open up. But the what ifs really do terrifies me. I really need a little bit of 勇气 right now.
But Dude, you've been trying for so long. Like really....
Stop Dazing already! I sometimes thing Realist thinks to much. About probabilities, futures, options, current scenario. Sometimes I wish I'm a little more adventurous. Not afraid to jump into something knowing it might not work, just for the heck of it.
Funny thing is, I'm a 'Yes' man. I can't really say 'No' to anyone if I can help it.
I guess its more of me being like this :
But who's gonna be there for me?
With my feelings, its always 'It's not possible', 'No, it wouldn't work' etcetera.
Three times I took the leap of faith and went against my own principal. I wonder will there be a forth?
Part 6
Part 7
=)
Every new day of my life, is another day worth smiling.
Happiness, we have to grab it ourself, isn't that so?
I'll reach out my hands, and grab the imaginary 'you' in front of me.
I know I am out of your league, but one day I'll stand in front of your doorstep,
Holding a single red rose, confessing my love to you,
Hoping that you would to say '小 笨 蛋, 你这样做，我很高兴'...
But alas I'll just have to wait.
I used to wait for a perfect time, just to say it all out.
I am a perfectionist after all! 哈哈！
I've tried to jump in, to not wait for 'it'.
Nevertheless, it ended horribly.
So this time, I'll make it right,
I'll plan, coordinate the perfect date,
But whatever goes wrong, I'll improvise!
So that it will still be perfect in our eyes.
我不希望在英语语言说“我爱你”...
因为它让我想起一个痛苦的经历，
这就是为什么我会说'我爱你“，而不是 'I love you',
我真的很想再相信爱情
上帝，请给我勇气。
Best Traits: Conservative, introverted, reserved, patient and punctual. Perfectionists.
Worst Traits: Obsessive, stubborn, self conscious and uptight.
Just to repeat that: While outwardly calm, they have such high standards (perfectionists) that they tend to be balls of nerves on the inside. Type A's are the most artistic of the blood groups. They can be shy, are conscientious, trustworthy, and sensitive.
Are reserved calm and even tempered. Sensitive to public opinion. May be Introverted, shy and nervous or ill at ease with others. May be Pessimistic. Value relationships and are loyal. Hesitant to change. Nature lovers and dislike crowds - need a private place or secret hideaway. Can be indecisive. Good at team work and obey rules.
Dislike to touch or be touched by others.
[I guess trying several times to change my personality isn't going to work. I've tried to be somebody else to run away from myself, but it terrifies people around me. ='[ ]
From another viewpoint:
Speaking broadly, it is said that people with Type A Blood are calm, composed, and very level-headed and serious. They have a firm character, and are reliable and trustworthy (and hardheaded). They think things over and make plans deliberately, and they plug away at things steadily and assiduously. They try to make themselves more like their own ideal of what they should be. A Types may look aloof or distant to others. They try to suppress their own emotions, and because they have continual practice in doing this, this makes them appear strong. But, actually, they have a fragile, nervous side, as well. They tend to be hard on people who are not of the same type, and so they consequently tend to be surrounded with people of the same temperament.
People with blood type A have a deep-rooted strength that helps them stay calm in a crisis when everyone else is panicking. However, they tend to avoid confrontation, and feel very uncomfortable around people. A types are shy and sometimes withdrawn. They seek harmony and are very polite, but all the same feel that they never really fit in with others. A types are very responsible. If there is a job to be done, they prefer to take care of it themselves. These people crave success and are perfectionists. They are also very creative, and the most artistic of all the blood types, most likely because of their sensitivity.
From another viewpoint:
Basic personality: you are sensitive, serious, calm, sympathetic, polite, honest, loyal, perfectionist, creative, punctual, reliable, artistic, obsessive, private, introverted, cautious, nervous and responsible.
Your strengths: you are a gentle soul, a natural people person and a good team player. People warm to your quiet, understated manner. You're a bit on the shy side and, while you enjoy the company of others, you also need time on your own. You're the type that always appears calm in a crisis. You never raise your voice, or throw a tantrum. You are very loyal, reliable and conscientious.
Your weaknesses: you often give more of yourself than you get back, and you're not as confident as you appear. In fact, you often feel as if you're not good enough and beat yourself up mentally over imagined weaknesses and failings. Too much stress can leave you feeling worried. You're prone to obsessive-compulsive behaviour and you also tend to suppress your emotions.
Your ideal job: you would be good in any job that requires attention to detail: lawyer, accountant, administrator, graphic artist, web designer, picture restorer, novelist, economist, architect, doctor, nurse, psychologist.
How you love: you have a sensible, traditional approach to love and the idea of marriage and family appeals to you. That's not to say you're immune to passionate affairs, but flighty, unpredictable people (typical type B's) aren't good for your mental health. You want someone as committed as you, so your best match is with another type A or with a type AB who is sensitive like you, but more easy-going.
[Guess I'm still towards the traditional type, flings aren't going to work. I found myself drawn back to wanting a lasting relationship even though I only said I wanted companionship, sigh]
Potential problems: you can be too perfectionist and uptight. Your tendency to repress your emotions could lead to health worries in the long term - for example high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease and problems with your digestion.
[Not telling means nothing, nothing means I'm not telling!]
Exercise and wellbeing: you'll benefit from activities and therapies that help you unwind. Choose calming mind/body exercises like yoga, pilates, t'ai chi and qi gong. Also, anything that helps you loosen up generally - walking, golf, hiking and dancing would be great for you. Talk to friends when you feel anxious or worried. If you find it really hard to open up, a course of psychotherapy might help. Massage (aromatherapy and sports) will help to keep you supple.
One question, why I keep on falling for O type people? They are clearly not suitable for me but yet 3 consecutive O type people?
I sometimes wonder, what pushes someone to make the first step?
Courage? Fear? Insecurity? Do or Die situation?
Taking the first step is always the hardest. That's why I scorn when someone says, 'If you take the first step, I'll take the next 99 steps' [Or what so ever similar statement.]
But don't take my word for it. This is just one confuse guy ranting his thoughts out. =]
Whether you want to take a leap of faith, venture into the unknown or just stay comfortable as it is right now, it is wholeheartedly up to you.
Strangers, coldness... was that short period of bliss worth it? I really do wonder. =)
And regarding food/groceries, please finish up the one in the fridge first!
(ˇ▼ˇ)-C<ˇ_ˇ) Pinch pinch!!!
Yours truly,
Myself.
PS: You better open up 'that' can by next week!!! Stop procrastinating! And then you'll be happy, my wallet will be happy, everyone will be happy. (˛•̃•̃)/\(•̃•̃¸) *Mimics DW* Happy Happy!
PPS: I'll promise you a treat in January okay? Ice cream craze and a a trip to somewhere special!
Every single time when I ask what are you up to or planning to do, you'll reply 'shopping.'
Stop shopping! Argh, I can't keep up with you. =D
真的！我真的不能！
Friday, October 7, 2011
An insecure person can be dangerous.
He's afraid, terrified and lost.
He doesn't know what he wants, nor where he wants to go.
Such thoughts are enfeebling his mind, body and soul.
These past few weeks, I can't really see myself anymore. Things I thought I used to know, people that I used to be with, they all seem so far away. I always thought I could hang on, I could keep hanging on that fine thin thread. But what if it wasn't thin at all? Nor was it a thread?
What if it was only a mist, an imaginary thread?
I think it is dangerous that I'm distancing myself from people. Perhaps I'm leaning more towards the introvert side of myself. Shut myself from the outside world. Trust none. Total shutdown. Aucune aide du tout?
Some people asked me do I trust them?
To be honest, I couldn't bring out that simple 'yes'. Deep inside I don't want to lie, and yet I do not wish to say it out loud. I don't trust anyone. The saddest part is, I don't even trust myself. I'm in doubts at the moment.
It is like the raindrops pouring downon a dark and cloudy night. Thunderstorm hails, quite tropical like in fact. I think that I would be best for me to rely on my human instinct for now. Just for now~
Retreat, recoup, and what next?
I seriously don't know.
Time like this feels like hanging on to the southern wind. Where ever it decides to blow, I'll follow.
I hate the insecurity in me. I hate that I'm doubting myself.
But most of all, I hate that I'm doubting everyone.
To those who are indirectly or directly affected by my tantrum, I'm not gonna apologize. I have apologize to much so if you can't stand this, please just go away.
I wrote something long, but I decided not to publish it and delete it instead. Its sensitive and I probably shouldn't write it at all. But it does irk me a lot.
But if I do publish it, I might as well join the rank of hypocrites walking on this earth.
Gawd I miss the days where I was not subjected to this feeling.
'Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holdin me
Mornin will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.'
Time to go back to university. My Ipod screen is broken due to some blond girl knocking it out from my hand during Avril's Concert. Its sad but I ain't feeling it yet cause the concert was so freaking awesome!
Time to start studying and listen to songs in my room. =D I've decorated it well and it smells nice ^^.
I'll leave all my problems and worries behind me and I'll just look and work hard for the future.
The present is where you are now but the future is where you will be, It doesn't matter now, just work hard for the future.
Life has been a bit topsy-turvy lately. Things happens, shit happens. I thought it would only occur next year, but somehow 'it' managed to creep itself earlier. I felt that it is a bit odd (strange nevertheless) , but I won't question why, or be sad about it nor would I go back on my word.
I was in it ready to let it go, in order to safeguard 'it'. So if I was not being taken seriously, I might as well focus on other stuffs and steer my life into a different direction, one that (hopefully) would compensate the past 21 years of my life.
Yet again, planning is a waste of time.
Freshers week is going on. I don't really feel like hoarding a lot of free Dominos coupons anymore. I'm still sick of that one week craze of double thin crust with cheese, or whatever it was called crust. Eurgh >.<
And the clubbing scene still feels like a stranger to me.
I still like to sit at the side and watch other people dance instead of me, myself dancing.
I still dislike drinking excessive amount of alcohol. (Of course unless its a 'toast' for the birthday girl/boy'.
But I do like the music played there,
However, I think it is best enjoyed with the scene, observing.
Its funny to see how carefree and crazy people can be in the clubs.
這一幕，我很快就會錯過它。
PS: I need to write more in English. I have noticed that my Malaysian-English and Chinese-English is slowly overpowering my writing! Argh!
'No matter how much I wish to return, I never move from this spot
When I close my eyes, you are always there smiling
Every time I remember that smile, tears flow from my eyes
I am not strong enough to say good-bye to the past and move on
Yet those memories are not flimsy enough to get carried away by the waves of time
That's why I've always...
I'll never forget, wherever I am
Whatever I do I'll always think of you
Even if I lose sight of the road I already traveled
Even if I cannot return to those days, The footprints on the ground will always be there
I will always wish that the day will come where we will meet
And laugh with each other....'
21 years in this world. I wonder, what have I gotten myself into and what have I achieved? It has been a roller coaster ride this past 9 years, from my life changing enrollment into an elite high school, going to college and finally to enrolled in a university in the UK [top 30 in the world nevertheless]. I wonder, if I had make a different decision back then, not following you ;) , how different would my life have been?
Working life isn't so bad at all. Thanks to Kumari, Martha, Muja, and all YSD Staffs (Farib , whom I always love to disturb, Che Din who sits next to me :p, Intan who entertains me whenever I stopped by the Education Sponsorship Team cubicles, Zerizan and Ismail and the list goes on and on =)). You guys make me feel that working can be enjoyable!
Religion aside, turning for a church raised Christian, into learning about other religion, becoming and Elder and holding the Melchizedek Priesthood, an Elder, to enter the temple and perform baptism for the dead and then finally into an Agnostic Atheist while searching for my own truth, its been a while and still a long journey ahead.
People have list of things they want to do before they are 30, 40 or even 21, cause 21 marks the age when you are actually being recognise as an adult. I never gave a thought of that list but as this night draws closer to an end, I gave it a thought.... 'Have I done everything I wanted to before I'm 21?'.
The answer is YES.
I shall live a life with no regrets. =) No worries, just living life to the fullest. It hurt me that some memories are bitter sweet, with the bitter part overwhelming that little drop of sweetness, but I'm still happy for it.
I thank thee because it happened, and I was there to experience it. =)
I laugh at those silly versions of me in the past,
That is because I have grown and learnt to see the 'silly-ness' of my former self.
^^ But life needs to be a little silly, don't you think?
