Perfect in the Past

"I miss you
I miss your smile
And I still shead a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you, sha la la la la
I miss you"


Miley Cyrus - I Miss You

Ashlee Simpson - Pieces Of Me 

2004, how childish was I back then =']

"i did it on purpose, i want u 2 hate me. sometimes u r juz being too nice that u cant differentiate whether sum1 s being evil 2 u or not."

Its funny how I still kept this email. Sigh, actually to think about it, its not funny at all. I kept it because I want to remember, to never forget every single detail of it. But there's this little thorn inside of me, a hint of regret.

"how can i say diz str8?

im not putting d blame on any1,

i admit, its no one's fault, it juz went off lyk dat n i didnt expect it."

I sometimes laugh at myself. Sometimes in life, the easiest escape is to run. When you have too much pressure, when you don't know what to do, the easiest option is to cut loose. Free yourself from all problems, start a new, never looking back or think about it, ever again.

Easier said than done.

"but talk is cheap, aite? guess i cant do anything bout it anymore, hahaha..."

Those 'hahaha'. must be a hard one to type. The one that eases and numbs the pain. Reminds me of the lyrics from Halfway Gone by Lifehouse ; "Talk , talk is cheap. Give me a word you can keep~"

Sometimes I don't really know what I want. I was lonely and now I have company. But I am still unsatisfied and I still feel lonely. What is missing in my life? I have friends, family, work colleagues, a partner, and a future plan. What exactly is missing?

I think that somehow I know what it is, but yet again I'm a cowardly fool. I am afraid to face my past, of the wrong decisions that I've made. But day after day I still ponder of the question, what if.

So the question is : What should I do if I feel regretful about my past? 

I've tried shutting it away, keeping myself preoccupied but it only works well when I am busy. Every night before I sleep, besides thinking of my loved ones, YOU appear to me, haunting me.

"Remember when I cried to you a thousand times

I told you everything

You know my feelings

It never crossed my mind

That there would be a time

For us to say goodbye

What a big surprise

But I’m not lost

I’m not gone

I haven’t forgot

These feelings I can’t shake no more

These feelings are running out the door

I can feel it falling down

And I’m not coming back around

These feelings I can’t take no more

This emptiness in the bottom drawer

It’s getting harder to pretend

And I’m not coming back around again

Remember when…"

Avril Lavigne - Remember When

I'll remember our 'tryst'. I miss you dearly. I've move on to try to love another now. But know always you'll be my first and I loved you so.

=]

Now I know why the first cut is the deepest.

Here's an extract of an article I've found online.

"Yet, in truth, no one forgets their first love. How could they? It's just not possible to forget that tingling sensation you feel when you fall in love for the very first time. 

Your first love brings up emotions that you may never have felt before - wild and passionate and almost startling in their intensity, almost a pure version of strong emotions that, later on in life, experience teaches you to dilute."

With each passing one, I'm having less expectations. I no longer care about that giggly feeling I felt when I was waiting, nor the anxiety that paced me up when I was on the other line. No more 'You hang up first , I did it the last time we talked', nor texting every single other minute and gigling to myself.

No longer do I care if we were miles a part, your evil and un-romatic side, you being possessive or materialistic, or even you being a total bitch.  To be honest, all my 'ban' list are now withdrawn. I just don't care now. As long as you are sincere to me, that is all I'll ever ask for. Not your time, your attention, nor will I don you with things you wouldn't prefer, or bug you excessively to do this and that.

That long long list that I've often wish to find in my perfect partner, has only one item on it right now.

Really didn't meant this post to be that emo. It started with a song and just carry on like that.

Last bit :

"not very likely to happen to you. 2 of us can lock ourselves in our respective room lor."

To be honest, I really don't mind locking myself in my room while I do my work =P.

"First loves are wonderful. They are perfect just as they are. In the past."

I've thought for a long time, memories are just memories. I loved the past you, and I'm not even sure how you are right now. So I won't spoil my memories by rekindling the flame with you again, no matter how much I want to give it a go again.

However so, you still look cute. AND YOU ARE NOT FAT! =D

Toodle-loo~