1 year and 27 days...

It has ended, after 1 year and 27 days. I couldn't not express how much joy it brings me when I was with you, the strength you gave me, you are the drive that pushes me to go beyond my limits, the one that had taught and made me to be more patient, to learn about sacrifices, to see things in someone's else perspective.

I have seen this coming. Twice it has happen in the past and I cannot stop you from doing what you want. I respect that decision and will let it go, as it’s your happiness at stake.

I have grown; maybe a little mature than I used to be. I hate feeling so helpless, so out of control. I used to hate that, but I’ve learn that you cannot have everything in life. There are things you must compromise and share. I have learnt a lot from you and I hope I can use this knowledge for my future.

People find excuses for things they wish to avoid, to make them feel complacent. There should never be any excuses, just reasons. Reasons are solid things which provide facts and drive a person. Excuses are just rambling matter, like sand waiting to be washed by the tide.

Even though I refuse to accept excuses, I cannot change an individual by mere force alone. If there is no will, nothing can be achieved. The problem is not you yourself, but I would like to point out (Disclaimer: If you don’t mind in my p.o.v) that its your refusal to change which is the problem. You find excuses to justify your actions even when it has not happen yet and the future is so uncertain. This is what I can’t bring myself to forgive as I find it foolish and unacceptable (Sorry for this but I have to say it).

I am not sure if I can remain friends. In the past I have succeeded but I can’t guarantee it will happen again.

I feel like I am cursed in a relationship. When I see happiness there’s always this obstacle that I could not overcome because the solution often not lies with another. First, with my parents, now with you. I am like the leaves on a tree, swaying as the wind directs me, not having my own particular will.

The reason why I made that promise to myself is not because I want to give up loving another anymore, or to give up in falling in love again. Nor it was solely to protect my heart, but because I hate not being in control. Love is something that I cannot control, and I am a coward. I rather avoid things that I couldn’t control rather than to face it.

I can do a lot of things, to learn, to grow, to give in, and to compromise and lots more. But it is too much for me, the uncertainty is too great. I dare not risk losing control of myself again. Neither do I dare to commit anymore.

Therefore as I say ‘I love you’ for the last time, I bid adieu to LOVE. Thou has taught me many things and a man could not learn if he does not suffer. Man can know no good without evil, see no light without darkness.

Title : Something that I could never have

And I have felt,

A presence that disturb me with the joy,

Of elevated thoughts, a sense sublime,

Of something far more deeply inter-fused,

Whose dwelling is the light of the setting sun,

And the round ocean and the living air,

And the blue sky, and in the mind of man,

A motion and a spirit, that impels both the body and soul,

Something that I could never have,

A hopeless being

Start written on Novemb

er 19th 2009, completed on June 24th 2010

See Tian Feng, let us now be just friends.

I'll will remember you like a falling maple leaf in the autumn. Gently and temporary.

The first picture of you which I'm allowed to have =)