OK so now it is back to me blogging whenever I want :p So please hear my rants! By the way, I've disable the chat box. Just locking it at the moment and I would probably enable it back in the future.
Gonna bunk in the library. I've been feeling lethargic lately and I don't know why.
Today's Challenge of the day, One Confession. When I think about this, a lot of things came up stirring in my mind. And although briefly, the thoughts of going to a priest and confessing came up. Of course, I always think that if someone want to confess their sins to God, why don't just ask forgiveness from God directly instead of going through the Church?
But setting that aside, one confession. What should it be?
*Deep breath*
-silence-
-still silence-
-yet still silence-
Okay I have no idea.... there's just too many to.... *Oppps* So let us settle it with this, I am gonna count to 3 and whatever is in my mind at the moment, I'll think of something about it.
Ready?
1...
2....
3.....
-LIES-
I
did a lot of stuffs because of peoples. Mostly because I like them, they are nice to me and I want to get closer to them or because I want to have the similar interest with them so I can talk the things they talk about.
This range from playing instrument, games, watching movies, listening to musics and so on.
To tell you the truth, I played violin because my faci, Chong Li Li (Who I still look up as a role model up till today) played the violin. I audition for violin 1 even though I want violin 3 (cause its so much easier!) because of two individuals. *I think I still remember people being pissed at me cause only Amy and I got accepted into violin 1.
Games, ah Athletes. So nostalgic. I'll skipped that as it had been mention already.
Movies.. You know what. I really really hate Saw. I really really do, I can't stand watching people getting tortured and metals piercing through the flesh. But yet I do, just so that we can have a new conversation topic. And Twilight, Eclipse and New Moon. Don't even get me started on those. I hate that chic flick non-vampire movie. Vampire doesn't shine like diamonds! =/ Gosh, the level I put myself into.
Music... I don't understand why you or (youS, whats the plural if I want to say two you? you you? :p I bet it doesn't exist. Or maybe you you you~) like certain singers but I listen to them anyway. I don't think he's fab or what. But I don't want to be left out not knowing the rhythms and the lyrics. I don't normally follow music, but why the hell did I choose to?
I always tell myself that I'll only change for myself and not for others unless I see fit. Its actually a lie that I keep repeating to comfort myself with. That I'm stronger, I don't do things to please people. But I guess that is just it. I live a lie everyday, though I'm trying my best to turn it into the truth.
Sigh.. I'm a silly old am I not?
Doctor: “Are you there? Can you hear me?… I´m a silly old.”
[The handle of the console moved and the Doctor smiles. She is there, she always going to be there, listening to him]
For today's post, I am going to stick with this definition.
'A person or thing that causes someone to feel excited or sexually aroused'
Well, more on the 'cause someone to feel excited part'
1. Beautiful people: I always believe that black is elegant, and elegant with a dash of personality equates beautiful to me. Yes, beautiful peoples. I feel excited when I see pretty things and I don't say you are beautiful unless I mean it. So wait for me to say it and don't ever ask me why I don't call you beautiful but just pretty or cute. It takes time :)
2. Waiting : Don't we all? Whether it is that particular movie that we have been waiting for so long , your very own birthday party, proms or that one particular graduation ceremony. Or even to ask a question, or to meet someone special. We all get excited as the time draws near. So do I. I get excited just by waiting. Of course, the best part is when it finally comes. Its a sublime sensation, but its the one we remember the most. That one Moment. The one we were waiting for.
3. Innocent : Ever wonder why making snow angels makes kids feel excited? Its that pure innocent feeling within them, and of course the fun in lying down in the snow, flapping out your wings. You could still be innocent after doing a lot of stuffs. Just picture a black canvas and a small white circle in the middle. That particular section of the canvas is still untainted, free from other colours. Innocent, without any tainted thoughts. Being innocent for a moment, turns me on.
Well for those who want to look at this with the extended definition of it, 'or sexually aroused'. Just look at them in a different perspective :) If you wanna know, you have to first take the effort.
No pictures in today's post. Its subtle and its up for imaginations! ^^
1. Smokers who blows their puffs at you : Well I don't like to smell nor breath smokes coming out from cigarettes or cigars. Weed smells like when you are burning grass so I'm okay with that since people burn grasses so often not in Malaysia. Don't get me wrong, its best to avoid when people are smoking but I'm fine when they are. Just don't puff it at me and I will be totally cool with you. I used to hate smokers but once you got used to it, its not that bad. (Just have to beware of secondary smoker effect)
2. Over repeated songs : Seriously who doesn't. These are songs which were played continuously on the radio, by your mates and every freaking place you go! Sure it sounds nice at first, maybe a bit catchy as well, but it sure turns you down when you have to listen to it all the time, even when you don't want to.
Yes I mean you! Friday! Thumbs up for Hitler!
3. People who don't use Google : Its not like Google's diabolical scheme is to take over the world (Well it is as a matter of fact!) but people, if you don't know something, google it! (or your prefer search engine). Unless you want someone to explain it to you because you want to understand it deeper, or when you don't have access to the internet, don't ask! Complicated stuffs however, is totally fine. Its much easier to have someone explain it to you than having to read an entire article on it. But try to find it out yourself first. Do some 'homework' and then go ask for explanations if you need them. Else you will never learn.
4. Hypocrites : They are a turn down since high school. Never trust one, never will.
Before I start today's post, this is how I'm feeling right now...
When I read this title, my mind went 'Hmmmmm, who?'. Tried as I may, can't really think of much.
1. Dad
2. Mum
3. ???
4. ???
5. ???
Dad and Mum are there for obvious reasons but other than that, I guess people just come and go too fast in my life (with some exceptions of some childhood friends). I am not in that stage where my best friend means everything to me, that I need to know and spend every single moment with them. So no personal here.
so I'm missing three person in my life. In comparison with the 10 people I want to say to, this is so much harder. Who means a lot to me. I really don't have any answers for that, some people are important to me, but not as much as I would define 'a lot'. Cause without them, I still function and behave as myself.
I'm filling the void as it closes by.
But if I could I would actually list this:
3. Universe
4. Time
5. Dreams
The three of you mean a whole bunch to me. Definitely no doubts on that!
1. I wish I never knew you, to be completely lost and not knowing you. My life would (actually) definitely be different. I wouldn't be where I am today, think how I think, and act how I act today. Heck, I might still be going after my dream of becoming an environmentalist who majors in studies of animals and plants.
My major mistake was deciding to go with you and I ended up walking along this path on my own. I did not have the opportunity to bail out and I am where I am today because of that.
My childhood experience, my part and parcel of growing up, me mingling and mixing with my family members. It was so subtle back then. The four of us, embarking on a new journey together. especially with you. You were my best friend, and we were suppose to be with each other from that time onwards. But you left, and betrayed I was forced to be on this road.
So what I wish deep down inside that I had never greeted that hello, and gotten to know you. After all, you are a complete stranger to me now, so what do I have to lose if I had chosen to ignore you? Alas those actions all those years ago are the actions that made me live my life wondering 'what ifs' everyday.
Okay the first one was kind of personal but as it was the major fork road of my life, I just have to note it down. It lead through with me making mistakes, one after another and meeting people whom I shouldn't meet. We all have regrets, and this was one of my biggest one.
2. Following my mum when she was on a Cendol craze. Now I can't even stand the taste of Cendol!
3. Believing in 'when you('re) save/mature/old enough, you can buy/get it' sayings. Seriously, I think this is just another way of parents saying 'No, you can't have it.' Imagine yourself cutting down on food and trying everything to raise an amount of money and when you finally have it or waited all those years still to be denied over it.
4. Controlling myself when I really should. What the heck? We live only once, so why do I restrain myself and put so many restriction on myself. If I want to do it, I should.
5. Throwing 'Hippo' away. Yes mum, it was out of pure resentment/rebellious attitude towards you that I did that. Naive and stupid of me, why yes. But I still miss that green 'hippo' that I grew up with when I was a child, the one I got from the amusement park. Seriously, things that we work for (or in this case won) tends to have much more sentimental value than those given.
6. The last one, number 6th. What do I wish I have never done? Multiple occasion but saying 'yes' when I was under pressure or when I was being narrowed down to a situation where it is do or die and I don't really know what to do or choose. Seriously, I need time to think. Peer pressure, I blame you!
Not related to this note but it appears that my actions several days ago angered somebody. To I, I seriously couldn't be bothered less of what you think of me. That particular sentence of yours, I had heard it a countless time from you. Make sure you mean it this time and don't let me see that look on your face when you suddenly say 'Hi' again or that sudden appearance of liking my pictures or commenting on my status. I don't need a two faced acquittance.
Just one note to go with this : The past is as important to use as the present or the future. For without it, we could neither grow nor learn from out mistakes. Those who forget their past are condemn to repeat them again. Therefore remembering events that were either happy,sad or angry just serves as a reminder to yourself. We lock ourself from painful memories, cloaking our existence with subtle things. But we never forget the ones we hurt, or being hurt from. It is a part of us and deny as you may, you can't run from it.
I treasure the past. Regret as I may (as with this post), these are what I have done, and I have to live with them no matter what. Whatever happens, I am headstrong with my own beliefs and perception. No one can change that.
I am what my past shapes me to be. I am what I see myself to be. I am, who I am.
I don't think I ever meant this post to be like this, ranting about stuffs. Well, I'm sleep deprieved. Sue me.
1. Exam/Revision - With finals starting next week what do you expect?
2. Food - What to eat/cook. Oh should I eat noodles or rice today?
3. Sleep - I get tired easily and Imma koala!
4. Gaming - I sooo wanna play but then I have to study T_T
5. Day trip - I want exams to be over so I can go somewhere! Day dreams of Milan, Paris and Turkey.
6. My Hair - I know its not well kept and well style, but I care lots about it :p Mirror is my best friend lol. Its hard for me, I want something simple and elegant and yet requires no effort at all. Guess no effort shouldn't be in equation.
7. People - They randomly popped into my mind for some reasons unknown. I miss them, I want to see them, I want to be with them but yet....
Okay that wasn't so hard. Just need to write down my train of thoughts.
Sheldon: Nothing. I've just been thinking about it. Now I'm thinking about fractal equations. Now I'm thinking about the origins of the phrase 'train of thought'. Now I'm thinking about trains.
Sheldon: Now I'm thinking about Jello. . . . Oh! Back to trains. Whoo whooooo!
1.Smile – I love smiles, so smile at me whenever you can. I think its the most beautiful thing of a person's feature.
2. Be headstrong, determined – Do everything in your power to achieve your dreams. Nothing attracts me more than a girl who has defined her life and working her best to achieve her dreams. Looking at people never giving up, makes me fall for them.
3. Have a great personality – What makes my heart falls the most is a person's personality. Cause its the only one unchanged after a long time. Be eccentric and don't mask yourself, that's all I ask for.
4.Sing for me – No matter how bad you sound, we all know that our hearts melts when someone sings a song for us, especially when it is dedicated just for us.
5. Be there for me – I don't want a 24/7 clingy type, just someone available 24/7 on call. This works both ways of course. Be there when I need you, be there when I don't need you, but never be there to annoy me.
6. Be a little childish – Tend to fall for cute stuffs, so being a bit childish might be the key here. Make yourself adorable. Though I can't explain how but simple gestures may seem adorable to me while the most obvious cute stuffs won't. Those are just plain irritating.
7. Surprises - I remember getting excited when I open my locker door in high school and find a note falling down or lying there staring at me. Although I love getting notes or random text messages with 'I miss you' or 'I love you' written on it, just being able to surprise me [out of random] is one way of winning my heart. *Note: Too frequent of 'I miss/love you' might end up feeling like just a routine and there onwards has no special meaning attached to it. So please use it moderately, just at a surprising time!
8. Just be yourself - This is the most important part. Just be yourself. If you are destined to win my heart, you will. Don't pretend to be someone your not, it will be revealed sooner or later and we don't want to get there. If I don't like you for who you are right now, there's no point putting on a mask. Likewise, I expect the same of you, adore me for what I am. Don't expect me to change unless I want
it myself. A lifetime of habits can't be changed overnight.
I'll shall write it to whoever pops up in my mind right now. It is in chronological order
1. Chu Mei - You were my childhood friend, someone I shared everything with. Its funny how we lost contact and I don't thing we'll ever meet up again unless our fates are entwine somehow. Thank you for an amazing childhood memories.
2. Rosetta - I don't think you remembered me but I still remember the day, when you gave me flowers and say I love you and I want to marry you when I grow up. Being little, I didn't understand those words but it gave me a shock. Sorry to have just ran off just like that. I guess being Asian makes me unable to understand romance from a French Girl. However this fond memory makes me chuckle every time I think of it. For that I thank you.
3. Leon - You and I were besties when we were in primary school. We lost contact when you changed school and even when we met up later on, the bond just isn't there any more. This taught me that distance makes you forgets. Thank you for that lesson.
4. Chee Kit - You were my longest childhood friend. I seriously don't remember how we met and why we became friends. But you taught me a lot of stuffs. From being nice to being naughty, things I wouldn't thought of otherwise. I don't understand some choices you made, but I couldn't understand myself, so why would I understand you? Thanks for being there as well as being my friend.
5. Meor - I know you have another life now, but back then thanks for helping me move around in KYS because of my accident. You were patient and nice. Sorry for the trouble over that Pokemon card incident. Memories of how it became big now are so blurry but I just get laughter over how childish we are now. You are someone with Hyper Ventilation and I, myself with Hyper Tension. The two hyper, the two duos. I wish you well.
6. Melissa - You were always my role model when I was growing up. A CC, an athlete, smart in your studies, Violin 1 in the college orchestra and with a superb personality. I think I've never told you but the real reason I wanted to be in violin 1 was not because it is violin one, the top 'rank' and people there are considered the best. But just because it lets me hang out with you and Chong Li Li more often during practise. More or less I join the athlete team because of you, I want to be more like you. Though CC was never my cup of tea, I tried to follow in your foot steps by being a Librarian and ultimately being a Head Librarian. Choosing Sime Darby was also because of your choice, you told me that Sime has more opportunities than Bank and I went with that. Thank you for being my role model, and thank you for being my Pet Sis albeit a while as you told me that we are adults now and 'pet sis' was something childish in high school. I'll forever look at you as a sister to me. :) To me, you are forever my Kak Mel.
7. Ika - Your headstrong, stubborn and rebellious. Keep it up. Life would be boring otherwise. Don't you reckon so. You looked innocent back then with big puppy dog eyes (yeah your contact make your sepet eyes looks slightly bigger). Thanks for being there for me and sorry I hurt you. Was immature back then so what can you expect? Nothing I could say but to apologies and no matter how many times I've said it. I just can't seem to say I'm sorry enough. It seems that it is just something that I couldn't forgive myself with. But I'm glad you are happy with your life now. All those memories we had, I'll keep it in a little corner of my mind. You are someone that doesn't give up, I know that. And I know you'll do well in the future.
8. Mrs. Beadsworth - You made my stay in KYUEM a wonderful one. Seeing you 4 times a day never seems to bore me. From computing lessons, psychology lessons, tutorial sessions as well as life saving practise, you taught me everything I needed to know. You gave me guidance whilst I was in KYUEM and I couldn't thank you enough. For you, made the stay in the jungle an interesting stay and not a boring one.
9. Tian Feng - I don't really know what to say to you right now. Perhaps I am still angry, perhaps I am just speechless. But from strangers to friend to close friend and finally a couple. I learn a lot from you. Perhaps the time spend together was just a transition time, a time of learning and perhaps karma payback. You made me who I am today, someone who thinks freely but however afraid to love. Perhaps its better this way as I am always unstable whilst I am in a relationship. Sometimes I tend to work harder because I am afraid that I would be called a useless boyfriend that couldn't match up or live up to expectations. I studied harder, learnt more because of you. You were my drive to excel till I become the top of my class for the year. I wanted an achievement you could be proud off. But that aside, that time we spent together, instead of a lover, I most often see you more as a very close friend. Someone to support and share tears and laughter together, without much commitments. I've realised that quality time is better than quantity (Isn't it always?), but as youngsters we tend to want quality and quantity as well. For now, I just want a friend and no lover. Thanks for that.
10. Myself - Dear Adrian, from a young kid to now. I've seen through your achievement and scars. The mask and lies you put on, you should really unshackle yourself from it. We only live once, so go and do everything that you want to. Don't be over committed to things, don't worry to much and go and enjoy. You have lived a life full of expectations and demands, you have warred with yourself and its time you won. So a note to you, be cool and be the person you have always want to be. Unmasked.
Seems to be like a recall of memories and thank you notes instead. Note that my parents are excluded from this because of I want to say something to them, I would have called them instead of writing it here in my blog. As for memories aside, its way too much to be written down.
10 days till the start of my 2nd year final exams. And I happen to stumble on this 10 Days Challenge at Tumbler.
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession
So my room is now clean and I've made a timetable for myself. (well sorta guideline).
Went to McDonalds for breakfast cause there wasn't any milk in the fridge. Was just the usual, double sausage McMuffin, double Hashbrowns with hot chocolate. While I was eating my breakfast I saw a chinese girl walk by across the street and she was eating an ice-cream. Wait, what. Ice-cream in the morning?
Ice-cream in the morning, really?
Somehow seeing her reminded me of Mel, of one time on our way back for Chinese New Year in 2005. I remember the date cause I was the year I first joined the athletes squad in KYS. When the 'driver' was driving us to the Malacca Central and had to stop by at a petrol station to refill the tank first, she asked if she could go out to the shop and get ice-cream. Funny scene really as the driver looked at her and said 'Kau nak makan ice-cream pagi-pagi ni. Tak takut sakit ker?'.
I still remember the giggle she had and I, myself still being a child, giggled as well as I wanted an ice-cream as well. Who said ice-cream can't be eaten in the morning? It is just somehow unusual for people to eat ice-cream in the morning. :)
That aside, I saw two elderly couple walking side by side, holding each others hand. Sweet isn't it. I then thought of the time when someone said, 'I want someone that I can be with, someone that will how my hand till the end or 永远一起手牵手. It made me smile slightly looking at them, so happy even when they are old.
However looking and holding my necklace that I found when cleaning my room earlier this morning, reminds me that I don't have that chance any more. I somehow made an oath to myself and I want to keep it for as long as my heart is scarred.
For you once know me, I thank you for nothing.
You're just another relic from the past, I wonder whether the other half is still in existence.
Anyway here is the song 'Thank you for nothing'.
I was listening to it when I was looking at my partially completed scrap book. Initially I wanted to complete it last summer but there wasn't any reason to complete it after I came back from Bangkok. Simply, because there was no one to give it to.
